


clean

by asphodellae



Category: Original Work
Genre: Body Dysmorphia, Gen, Gore, Pain, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, character needs therapy, first-person pov, lots of pain, the author regrets quite a lot actually
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:35:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24708442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asphodellae/pseuds/asphodellae
Summary: you know when you get a hangnail? or loose skin around your fingernails?
Relationships: Original Character/Pain
Kudos: 1





	clean

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize in advance for this monstrosity. _Please_ read the tags. Massive trigger warning.

I have a habit of mild self-mutilation when nervous.

I end up picking at the dry skin under my nails and peeling it back, back, back, watching in morbid curiosity and satisfaction as I expose sensitive nerve endings to air and movement, one last layer of skin left before bleeding. Prodding the raw skin sends little jolts of electricity that linger, not unlike the smell of ammonia in hospital emergency rooms. There is no dirt on this new layer of skin. It’s beautiful.

I will be clean. _I must be clean._

Clean is perfect. I want to be as perfect as possible. I need it. I _demand it._ I am _sane_ when I am _clean._

_Back, back, back,_ peeling skin. _Off. Off. Off._ Hours pass. I focus. I am a monkey, my flesh prison the banana. The pain lets me know I'm doing it right. I demand it done right. Peel and peel and peel until the last layer of skin, red with anger, red with fear. My fingers throb. There is blood behind this last layer of skin, waiting to burst through. It pools angrily just below the surface and I am tempted to touch it. To relieve the pressure of the blood underneath. 

_Stop, stop,_ Others say. Their voices are distant. Shush. I am only ridding myself of dead skin. I am simply doing what must be done, be there pain or blood. I am cleansing my hands of the blood that is on them with each flake of skin that falls to the ground. I will be clean. I am clean. I am perfect. Shouldn't we all be clean?


End file.
